A messy day.

smile can’t hide all the pain inside.

As the caption says, a smile can’t hide the pain inside. Look at my eyes. People say that the eyes are the windows of the soul. Now, tell me. What can you see? Do you see happiness? Do you see pain? Do you see sufferings and heartaches? No one can tell me the real answer ’cause only me can tell my feelings. Maybe you can feel it because of my actions.

I tried my very best to smile on the picture but my eyes are so rebel that it decided to be teary. Why am I teary? Well. I have lots of reasons. First, I didn’t stand for what I started. Yes. I’m talking about my course. Sh’t. I entered Accountancy and now, I’m giving it up. But, hopefully, I’ll do better in Engineering. Hopefully. Next, the judgment I received. Kuya Ralph, well.. He’s a former friend. I used to be her friend when we were on Elementary. I had a misunderstanding with him last time. We were throwing some silly jokes and I didn’t expect that he’ll accept it personally. And, my classmate told me that Kuya Ralph is so angry to one of our classmates. We don’t know whom Kuya Ralph was talking about. Myel also told us that she saw how Kuya Ralph acts when he was talking about the girl.

“Feeling maganda. Arte arte naman. Landi landi.“

I don’t know whom he was pertaining to and now, lately this afternoon, I knew that it was me. I was like, “Why me?” What have I done to him to tell me those things? He knows my name. Not my story. Not what I’ve been through. He shouldn’t judge me. Maarte? Me? Maybe. In the way I dress, the way I look but malandi? Dafvck? He knows nothing! I’m not a b’tch. I’m crying while typing. I can’t do anything but to cry. I’m so fragile. I’m weak.

And lately this evening.. I was texting with Tina. She was DJ’s friend and an ex-girlfriend. Well, we were talking about some girl and then she told me to join them (Raphael and her) on a date. I told her, “Haha! Osige. Walang problema sakin. Ke Ivan, meron. 🙂” then she asked me why. I answered, “Eh dalaga ‘yun. Madalang payagan.” She answered, “Pagpaalam ko.” Then I agreed. I replied, “Sige. Bahala kayo.” “Hahaha. Mabait naman mader nun sunduin ko sa bahay. For you.” She added. Then, I bitterly answered, “Sa’yo mabait.” Then that was the start of my coldness. I lost my good mood. It’s like someone’s reminding me, “Hey, his mom and dad doesn’t like you. Envy her. His mom is kind on her.” Sheez. This is unfair to Tina. I’m not admitting this kind of thing to her. Tina asked, “Sa’yo ba? Tss. Sino ba me ayaw sayo? Papa or mama niya?” Then, again, I bitterly answered, “Both.”

Then, I sent them a group message. Okay. I indicated there my feelings. Well. I really don’t know what my feelings are. I’m jealous. I’m angry. I’m depressed. I feel so unloved. I hate this feeling. I don’t know what to do. This has been a messy day.