A messy day.

smile can’t hide all the pain inside.

As the caption says, a smile can’t hide the pain inside. Look at my eyes. People say that the eyes are the windows of the soul. Now, tell me. What can you see? Do you see happiness? Do you see pain? Do you see sufferings and heartaches? No one can tell me the real answer ’cause only me can tell my feelings. Maybe you can feel it because of my actions.

I tried my very best to smile on the picture but my eyes are so rebel that it decided to be teary. Why am I teary? Well. I have lots of reasons. First, I didn’t stand for what I started. Yes. I’m talking about my course. Sh’t. I entered Accountancy and now, I’m giving it up. But, hopefully, I’ll do better in Engineering. Hopefully. Next, the judgment I received. Kuya Ralph, well.. He’s a former friend. I used to be her friend when we were on Elementary. I had a misunderstanding with him last time. We were throwing some silly jokes and I didn’t expect that he’ll accept it personally. And, my classmate told me that Kuya Ralph is so angry to one of our classmates. We don’t know whom Kuya Ralph was talking about. Myel also told us that she saw how Kuya Ralph acts when he was talking about the girl.

“Feeling maganda. Arte arte naman. Landi landi.“

I don’t know whom he was pertaining to and now, lately this afternoon, I knew that it was me. I was like, “Why me?” What have I done to him to tell me those things? He knows my name. Not my story. Not what I’ve been through. He shouldn’t judge me. Maarte? Me? Maybe. In the way I dress, the way I look but malandi? Dafvck? He knows nothing! I’m not a b’tch. I’m crying while typing. I can’t do anything but to cry. I’m so fragile. I’m weak.

And lately this evening.. I was texting with Tina. She was DJ’s friend and an ex-girlfriend. Well, we were talking about some girl and then she told me to join them (Raphael and her) on a date. I told her, “Haha! Osige. Walang problema sakin. Ke Ivan, meron. 🙂” then she asked me why. I answered, “Eh dalaga ‘yun. Madalang payagan.” She answered, “Pagpaalam ko.” Then I agreed. I replied, “Sige. Bahala kayo.” “Hahaha. Mabait naman mader nun sunduin ko sa bahay. For you.” She added. Then, I bitterly answered, “Sa’yo mabait.” Then that was the start of my coldness. I lost my good mood. It’s like someone’s reminding me, “Hey, his mom and dad doesn’t like you. Envy her. His mom is kind on her.” Sheez. This is unfair to Tina. I’m not admitting this kind of thing to her. Tina asked, “Sa’yo ba? Tss. Sino ba me ayaw sayo? Papa or mama niya?” Then, again, I bitterly answered, “Both.”

Then, I sent them a group message. Okay. I indicated there my feelings. Well. I really don’t know what my feelings are. I’m jealous. I’m angry. I’m depressed. I feel so unloved. I hate this feeling. I don’t know what to do. This has been a messy day.

WRONG WAY. Go back.

Have you ever noticed something new? ☺ I hope so. Well.. As you can see, I was posting about my life and not about my love life. HAHA. That’s new! Well. You might be thinking about what this title means, right? Okay. Let’s talk. Let’s have a chitchat. And now.. It’s not all about love life. It’s not all about friends, not all about my family but about my studies.

WRONG WAY. GO BACK.

What would you do if you made a wrong decision? What would you do if you took the wrong path? Would you go back or would you keep moving forward?

GO BACK. Don’t waste your time on doing something you know you can’t do and you’re not happy doing it.

I’m an Accountancy student. I am having a difficulty in understanding it. I thought Accounting was just a plus, minus, multiply and divide. They are telling us that if you’re good at Math, you should pursue Accounting. NO. That’s a big NO. Accounting was not about computing. Maybe a bit, but it’s more of analyzing. LOGIC. My prof was a terror one. Maybe I can call her “LAZY” because she was always sending her student assistant to handle us. She’s not teaching. She’s just explaining. She’s just telling some boring stories and throwing some nonesense jokes which is not funny.

Well.. I failed on the Class Standing. Class Standing is composed of recitation, assignments, seatworks and quizes. Mamen! I failed. Yeah. A high school valedictorian failed. And when midterm exam came.. The results? Any guess? YEAH. You’re absolutely right! I FAILED. Let’s party but don’t tell Tita. HAHAHA. Only one of my classmate passed the exam. What a joke. My prof told the class that if we failed on the Class Standing and Midterm, we have no chance of passing on the Finals.

And now.. I’ve decided to drop the subject and next semester, I’ll be shifting to Civil Engineering. That’s what I want. I really wanna pursue Engineering but I thought I’ll be having some trouble with E-draw because I am not given the great hands with drawing skills so I’m afraid to enter Engineering. But now, my decision’s final. I’ll pursue Engineering and I’ll do my very best to finish it no matter how hard it is. I hope my mom and dad will understand my decision. Well, I know that they also want me to be an Engineer. So.. No regrets.

I have taken the wrong so I’ll go back. 🙂

No to commitments!

Hello! No to commitments! Thank God kasi dahil sa mga nangyayari, finally, naintindihan ko na yung sarili ko. Yung feeling na gusto ko ma-in love pero kapag nandyan na yung taong ‘OK’ naman, parang ayoko na. Nakakainis lang kasi I have this attitude na kapag kausap ko, kinikilig ako but when they ask me kung pwede manligaw, it’s like “Hep hep, ano kamo? ‘Di pwede.”

Pero, these past few days, naintindihan ko na yung sarili ko. Ayoko pala ng commitments. I hate commitments. I don’t even know why. Sa aking conclusion, I think this is because of my failed relationships. Ayoko na maulit. Ayokong magpatali sa isang relasyong hindi sigurado. Ayokong pumasok sa isang relasyong immature and complicated. Ayokong may taong aangkinin ako. Like I have the obligation to do whatever he wants me to do. Ayoko nun. Ayoko din na may rules. Ayokong may taong maghihintay everyday sa text ko like it’s an energizer that will make him feel alive at kapag hindi ako nakapagtext, his day will be the worst day ever. Ayoko din na may nasasaktan. I love MUs. Oo. Mutual Understanding. It’s like there’s something special between the both of you pero walang commitment. No relationship. No hard feelings. No strings attached. 🙂

Well, hindi naman talaga ako ganito eh. Ewan ko ba kung bakit ako naging ganito. It’s like I love games na. Dati, I want serious relationships. But, I’m so tired of being kind and then people will take me for granted. That’s so annoying. Naiinis ako kasi people will tell you they love you and yet, they will hurt you. Isn’t it absurd? Nakakainis. Nakakairita. Nakakanginig ng laman. Well, as I’ve said, I love games na. I love fooling around with people. Like, “You like me? Then sasakyan ko ‘yang trip mo.” It’s like “Una ma-inlove, talo.” So that wala nang makakaisa sa akin. I know it’s sounds bitchy pero I’m not a bitch. Bitch play games with dog. I don’t play games with a dog. I play games with people na sa tingin ko naman kahit papano, may mapapala ako. Well, I don’t know pero parang ang sama ko kung ganto ako but I don’t know. People change. Dati, hindi ako naniniwala na nagbabago ang tao until I’ve changed. I don’t know. I think this is sort of selfishness. But, I’m just protecting myself. And anyway, kung sa tingin niyo, pangit ‘tong ugali na makipaglaro or MU nalang, well, blame those fool who hurt me! They are the reason why I turned into this bitchy babe. Hahaha.

People change and now, I know what I am and I’m not ashame to tell you guys that I hate commitments. Well, maybe, in the future, I’ll be wanting it but for now, no to commitments!

What the he’l is wrong with me?

Mukha akong timang sa picture. Mukha akong baliw na pa-cute pero naiiyak na talaga ako. Wanna know why? Read.

What the he’l is wrong with me? (That’s a bad word and hindi na ako pwede magsabi ng bad words dito kasi dati, na-suspend na ‘tong account ko dahil sa kakasabi ng bad words.)

Yeah. Hindi ko alam ang nararamdaman ko. Mixed emotions. Saan? Sa Buhay Pag-ibig ika. Actually, wala naman talaga akong love life eh. I’m not in love. Pero I have a suitor at isa lang siya. Pero, may nangyari kagabi na hindi ko gusto. What he did was a surprise visit na alam niyo naman dahil nabanggit ko na pinaka-ayaw ko. Sh’t. Kasi nga, what if you’re not prepared? What if may kasama kang iba? Ang daming possible things na pwedeng mangyari na magiging dahilan na hindi ka maging available sa pagbisita niya. D’you get my point, readers?

Haaaay. Why do I have mixed emotions? Actually, naiinis ako. I’m pissed off. Super. Bonggang bongga. Dahil nga sa nangyari. Oh well, unang-una, hindi ko hiningi sa kanya na maghintay siya dun. Pangalawa, I didn’t recognize him. Pangatlo, nabwisit ako sa facial expression niya na halatang halata na na-badtrip siya sakin. Ayoko man sabihin ‘to pero HE DOESN’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO ACT THAT SILLY WAY. Sh’t. Hindi ko siya boyfriend. So, he should not act like a pathetic boyfriend waiting for his girl and when his girl came, he will greet and ask to carry her girl’s things and bring her home. Cr@p.

Yeah. High blood na ako. Sh’t kasi. Sh’t. Oh my God. Pagod na pagod ako kahapon. 6 palang, I was in the school na. Nag-rehearse kami. Yung adrenaline ko, nasa ulo na. Kabado na ako dahil nag-perform pa ako sa harap ni Mama Aidnace na may mataas na expectation sakin. Oh my God. Tapos ganun pa yung maabutan ko sa gabi. Sh’t.

Hindi ko na din kilala yung sarili ko. Sa ex ko, kapag may away, actually, ako yung inferior. Kahit na ako yung tama, I always ask for apology. Pero siya, he’s been texting me and saying sorry pero hindi ko nirereplyan. I feel like gusto ko na naman siyang patigilin. But this time, pvta. Kilalanin niya muna siguro dapat ako. Not just my positive side but also my negative side. Iba ako magalit. And what I’ve learned when I became single is that FRIENDS are more important than LOVE LIFE.

Sh’t. I don’t know what to do anymore. (-_-“)

Self-Realization #003

Lezz start? ☺

What have I done today? Isa isahin natin. Nagising ako ng 4:30 at ayun. Buti naman nakinig ako sa alarm clock since kailangan talagang pumasok ng before 7. Hindi naman pwedeng ako yung director tapos pupunta ako ng late. NAKAKAHIYA. Pero.. Grabe. Grabe talaga. Ang aga aga, parang bad vibes na. Paano. Ako palang. Tapos hindi pa nagsisipagreply. KABABAET! Hanep. Ayun. Since hindi pa ako nag-aalmusal, dumaan muna ako sa Mini Stop para mamili ng cup noodles. Ayun. Pumasok ako at pagdating ko sa BYC, grabe. Wala pang tao. Ako lang. Hanep na ‘yan. Edi medyo BV na. Inaaral ko na yung mga sasabihin ko kapag nagsidating yung mga ka-grupo ko. Nung nagsidating na sila, medyo nawala yung BV kasi ako yung nagsabi sa kanila na walang magsisira ng araw. Kaya ayun. Pinag-warm up ko sila tapos lahat kami. Hindi ako pumasok ng NSTP kasi akala ko, tuloy yung Culminating. Ayun. Sayang lang kasi hindi pala tuloy. Hanep na ‘yan. (Kanina pa ako hanep ng hanep.) Uh.. Wala naman ako makwento kundi ang theater life ko eh. Pero may chika ako sa love life ko. Ugh. =_= Ay, ‘wag na pala. Nababadtrip lang ako. >_< Well, ako yung tao na mahilig sa surprises. Pero what I mean na gusto ko ng surprises is yung mga date, effort like may flowers, kakantahan ako, may videos. Pero hindi SURPRISE VISIT. ‘Yun yung ayoko. Kasi what if nag-surprise visit tapos hindi ako pwede dahil may kasama ako na kailangan kong i-entertain? Naiintindihan niyo ako? Hmp. Ayun lang. ‘Yun yung gusto kong i-share.

Did I hurt someone today? Siguro si Mama. I lied kasi. Sabi ko nasa byahe na ako pero nasa Lugaw Republiq pa ako. Whahaha. Bad daughter. Saka si… Itago na lamang natin siya sa pangalan na… Biboy (Hindi totoong pangalan.)

What mistakes did I do? Siguro, yung kay Mama. Pagsisinungaling ko. Kasi, ako din mapapahamak kapag hindi ko ‘yun ginawa eh. Kasi.. Mapaghihigpitan ako. Kaya ayun. Saka, hindi ko nga alam kung may kasalanan ba ako kay Biboy eh. Pano tinaboy ko. Eh kasi nga ayoko ng surprise visit. He should’ve told me earlier.

What are the lessons that I’ve learned today? “Kapag kumain ka ng lugaw at sumakit ang dila mo, matakaw ka.” -Mama Aidnace. HAHAHA. Bukod dun, “Be confident. No matter what you do, even if it’s good or bad, people will always tell something bad to you.” Kasi sa TDR (Technical Dress Rehearsal), nawala yung focus ko kasi parang bumulong si Kuya… Ewan. Nalimutan ko yung name. Haha. Ayun. Parang feeling ko jinudge niya ako. 😦

What can I do with the things that I’ve learned today for me to be a better person? Since sa theater at pwede din naman sa real life yung lessons learned ko, siguro kung sa teatro, internalization of character and focus. Focus lang. Hindi dahil magaling kang teatro actor, hindi ibig sabihin, wala ka nang karapatan na magkamali. Just make sure na paninindigan mo yung pagkakamali mo. Sa real life naman, normal na ‘yan. Gumawa ka ng tama o mali, laging may sinasabi ang mga tao. Everyone’s judgmental but they don’t see their own flaws. (O ‘yan. Buma-Bob Ong na ako. ^_^)

That would be all. Thank you for reading!

Nagbago ang tingin ko sakania.

Nagbago ang tingin ko sakania. Whahaha!

Da who? Si Kuya JOHN CHRISTOPHER ….. Nalimutan ko na ang apelido. Haha. In teatro, siya si Kuya Bogart. Nung workshop namin nung Saturday, parang ilang ako sa kanya kasi parang nayayabangan ako sa kanya kasi lagi niya kaming binabara. Like, “Ba’t naiyak?” and such. Tapos kahapon, may nag-campaign samin para sa Student Council. Nakita ko nandun sila ni Ate Lovely Dianne. Ka-teatro ko sila. Akala ko, campaign manager lang si Kuya Bogart. Tapos waaaaaaaa! Siya pala yung tumatakbo bilang GOVERNOR. Wow. Impressive. Tapos dahil sa mga sinabi ng Vice Governor, hindi ko pa man alam kung sino yung Governor, sabi ko, “Boboto ko na ‘to.” Kasi sabi nung Vice niya, Si Kuya Tope daw yung taong hindi nagppromise. Sabi niya, kay Kuya Tope daw, gawa muna bago siya magsalita. Kapag may nagawa na siya, saka niya sasabihin na, “Gusto ko ‘to.” Oh my. Inspiring.

Nagpakilala na si Kuya Bogart and grabeeeeee. Nagbago talaga ang tingin ko sa kanya. Parang nung una, naisip ko na ang yabang naman nito. Tapos ngayon, oh my. He has sense of leadership at inspiring siya. Alam ko na agad na may magagawa siya so SIYA TALAGA ANG IBOBOTO KO. 🙂