Heartache or moodswing? -.-

Hindi ko na din alam kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. -.- Basta kanina.. Nag-iba yung mood ko. Nagsimula dun sa pasalubong na hinihingi ko ke Beb. Well, gusto ko lang naman kahit ano. Kahit kendi nga lang eh. Hindi ko naman kylangan ng mamahaling pasalubong. Gusto ko lang ng kahit ano na maitatabi ko. Yung kahit ano na kapag nakita ko, maalala ko na binigay niya sa akin ‘yun as pasalubong nung nag-EK sila. Well, sentimental kasi akong tao. I swear. Kahit bote lang ng mineral na ininuman namin, tinabi ko. Ganun ako ka-sentimental.

Well. Bakit nga ba nag-iba yung mood ko? Kasi biniro ko siya. Sabi ko, magtatampo ako kapag wala siyang pasalubong. Then he took that seriously. Well, my joke was half serious and half not. Ewan. Ganun naman ata talaga ang joke. Ika nga ni Mama Aidnace, “Jokes are half meant, half not.”

Pero kasi.. Basta. Ewan ko kung bakit biglang pumasok sa utak ko yung illegal thing namin sa parents niya. Siguro dahil sa trending topic sa twitter. Yung hashtag na #OctoberWish. Eh kasi nag-tweet ako. Sabi ko, “#OctoberWish ACCEPTANCE” Saan? Sa pamilya niya syempre. Akala ko, matibay na ako to face the truth na ayaw talaga sakin ng parents niya. Tapos umepal pa yung i-don’t-know-the-title-of-the-movie nila Toni at Zanjoe na pinapanuod ko kanina. May mga problema sa nanay ng boyfriend. Ganun. Edi sapul na naman ako. Hay ewan. Ang peste lang. Ang leshe. I took a shower na din kasi kapag BV ako, ang kadalasan kong ginagawa eh kumain ng ice cream o kali maligo. So, dahil walang ice cream, naligo nalang ako. -.-

Akala ko okay na ako. Though I was a bit okay. Biglang lumabas si Papa from their room. “May nalaman ako sa’yo ah. May boyfriend ka na daw? Mag-aral ka muna. Kapag nakatapos ka na, saka ka mag-asawa.” Yes. I do have a boyfriend. What’s wrong with that? Just because I have a boyfriend, doesn’t mean I won’t finish my studies. Haaaaay. Kaya nga ba alam kong apektado ako sa pagkakabuntis ni Ate eh. Kasi my parents will be overprotective to me. Which is ayokong mangyari. -.o

Naiiyak talaga ako. Sobra. Hindi ko na kasi alam yung tama. Ayokong isipin na hindi ito yung right time para samin. Kasi kung hindi naman kami bibitaw at magiging matatag hanggang dumating ang right time, magiging ayos din ang lahat. Hindi na ako makapaghintay na maging maayos din ang lahat. Sana matanggap na kami sa pamilya niya. Sana hindi na maging selfish ang mundo. Sana ibigay na nila yung happiness na matagal ko nang gustong makuha. Sana sa susunod, wala nang sana. Lahat nalang mangyare.

Ayan na. Naiiyak na ako. Hindi ko kasi alam if it’s heartache o moodswings lang. -.- Gusto ko nalang sumigaw eh. Ibuhos lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Kasi sa totoo lang, nasasaktan pa din ako kapag naaalala kong hindi kami okay sa kanila. Pero pinipilit kong tawanan, ngitian, pinipilit kong maging matatag para sa amin. Kailangan kong maging positive dahil alam ko, magiging ayos din ang lahat. May reason ang lahat ng bagay kung bakit ‘to nangyayari.

Sana.. Please..

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Magiging okay din ang lahat. Walang bitawan. Walang sukuan. They’re gonna be proud of us. I swear. Then one day, all they can say is, “We’re wrong. They’re still together.”

We’ll never let go. We’ll keep holding on. Until everything will be fine. Until the world will accept us. We’ll love each other forever and always.

Ang AYDOL kong KOPOL ♥

To infinity and beyond! ♥

Siguro naman lahat ng couple eh may mga iniidolo. Like me, I do have lots of couple idols – Eunice and Arvin, Kenneth and Deshly, Maricar and Richard, Nikki and Billy and of course, Iya and Drew. Only two of them are not in showbiz right? Sila Eunice & Arvin and Kenneth & Deshly. Pero of course, ang gusto kong i-share ay si Eunice and Arvin na nasa picture sa itaas. Lezzstart?

Halili-Lumibao Nuptials 

Joke lang. Hahaha. Arvin Jasper Halili and Eunice Lumibao. ‘Yan ang real name nila. Kaya ko sila nakilala ay dahil syempre, best friend ko si Eunice at repaks ko naman si Arvin. Barkada ganun. They’re part of my circle of friends. First year palang, sila na. Kaso, ewan ko ba. They’re a bit immature for a serious relationship. Kaya hindi nag-work. Naka-meet ng new lovers pero nung 3rd year kami.. Ayun na.. Nagkabalikan na.

Nung nagkabalikan sila, syempre, hindi naman naging madali. Lahat naman yata ng relationship, hindi nagiging madali. Lahat may trials, lahat may challenges, lahat may obstacles na pinagdadaanan. Syempre, hindi din naman sila identical. May mga bagay na magkaibang magkaiba sila. Like for example, si Eunice, she’s a bit moody. Si Arvin naman, pa-sumpong sumpong. Hahaha. Mas malambing si Arvin. Ganun. Basta. Madaming bagay na hindi naman sila pareho pero winork-out nila para maging comfortable at masanay sila sa isa’t isa.

Magtu-two years na sila sa November. Nalagpasan na nila ang 1st stage which is the first year – ang stage kung saan puro lambingan, pa-sweet’an etc. Malalagpasan na din nila ang second stage which is the second year – yung stage kung saan makikita na ang weaknesses and mga pangit na sides ng partner. Papasok na sila sa 3rd stage which is the third year – yung stage na magde-decide na sila kung GO pa o AWAT na. And of course, alam ko at sure ako na GO pa sila.

Kahapon, I went out for lunch with them. Tapos nililikot ni John Ray yung phone ko. Nakita niya yung picture ni Ate Angel (Ka-teatro ko.) Tapos sabi niya kay Arvin, “Pare, chiks oh.” Tingin naman ‘tong si Arvin tapos tingin pa uli. Si Eunice, ang sama na ng tingin. Tapos bumanat ‘tong si Arvin.

“asdfghjkllkjhgfdeg.. Isa lang naman ANGEL ng buhay ko.” Sabay tingin kay Eunice. (Nalimutan ko na kasi yung unang sentence niya eh.)

Ayuuuun. Si Eunice naman, kinilig. Halata! Hahaha. Nakakatuwa sila. Kasi kahit na magtu-two years na sila, akala mo, bagong mag-boyfriend pa lang dahil sa ka-sweet’an.

Nakakatuwa. Sobrang idol ko ‘yang dalawang ‘yan pagdating sa love & relationship. Ang perfect kasi. Though wala namang perfect relationship, pero para sakin, perfect sila. MFEO. Made for each other. Ang ganda kasi ng foundation. Ang ganda nung para lang sila magkapatid minsan, minsan mag-bestfriend etc. Alam niyo ‘yun? Nakakatuwa kasi kahit anong mangyari sakanila, alam ko na matibay sila.

They can overcome whatever trial they’ll face. Buti nalang witness ako sa love story nila.

EUNICE AND ARVIN. Sila nga pala ANG AYDOL KONG KOPOL ♥

Protektado: A Heartbreaking Confession ✉

Ang nilalamang ito ay protektado ng password. Upang tingnan ito, mangyaring ilagay ang iyong password sa ibaba:

Hudyat:

Eh ano kung sikat? >.<

Maiba naman yung post ko.

 

SIKAT. SIKAT. SIKAT.

“Uy, kilala mo ba si ganito-ganyan-name? Yung sikat sa Twitter? Eh si ganyan-ganito-name? Yung sikat sa Tumblr?”

Hindi ko alam kung naiinis lang ako dahil hindi nila ako pinapansin o dahil naiinis talaga ako sa ugali nila na hindi pa kasing sikat ni Anne Curtis eh kung maka-snob na, akala mo, hectic ang schedule at hindi ma-RT o kahit favorite lang ang tweet mo.

Madami nang ganito ngayon. Yung tipong nagandahan lang sa kanila, nagwapuhan, dumami ang followers eh lumobo na ang mga ulo na akala mo, mother balloon. Nakakairita yung ganun eh ‘no. Yung mga sikat nga talaga at may mga fans, naa-RT nila at Fave ang tweets ko. Pero bakit kaya yung iba? Nasa 2k palang ang followers eh famous na agad ang tingin sa sarili?

Oo. Siguro nga naiinis ako dahil hindi nila ako napapansin. Pero hindi ko naman gustong ma-notice. Ang gusto kong ma-notice nila eh yung effort at yung nilalaman nung post o tweet ko. ‘Di ba kapag ikaw, famous, natutuwa ka sa mga comments, tweets etc sa’yo? Eh bakit sila susmiyomarimar! Ewan ko.

Sana lang ‘wag silang lumagapak pabagsak kapag nawala na ‘yang famous famous thing na ‘yan.

12 Things That Tell You He’s The One ♥

How would you know if you found the one? How would you know if you really love him? Here are 12 things that tell you he’s the one. (I only found it on Yahoo. So, credits!)

1. You tell him things you don’t tell anyone. Of course, if you’re comfortable in saying things that you don’t tell anyone, he is surely the one! ‘Cause he must be special if you’re telling him confidential and secretive things, right?–

   Me.. I love telling DJ everything. Instead of telling anyone or sharing it to anyone, I tell it to him. I have lots of stories when we’re talking. I love to tell him what happened today. Who hurt me and made me happy today. Who told me I was beautiful. Who made me feel special. Who criticized me. Everything!

2. You let him see you at your weaknesses. Comfortable. Safe. Relaxed. If you let him see you at your weakness, that means you are sure that even if he sees your weaknesses and flaws, he will accept you and still love you. You’re not ashamed to see your bad and ugly side when you’re with him.–

   On my side, yeah. I am showing my weaknesses. My bad and ugly side. My little demons. And thank God. He accepted me for who I am. I can remember when I told him, “Beb. Magpapapangit muna ako ah. Hindi muna ako magmamake up.” Then he answered, “Kahit naman hindi ka mag-make up, okay lang. Mas maganda ka nga ng walang make up eh. Saka kahit na pumangit ka pa, you’re always be beautiful in my eyes ♫“

3. You respect him. Of course! If you respect him, his decisions, his friends, his family, the whole him, he is the one. There’s a huge connection and relationship between love and respect and trust. So, if you do respect him. I reckon he’s the one!–

   Yes. I respect him. Super. I don’t know how to explain further but I know I respect him. His decisions, his beliefs, his family, his friends & his life’s point of view. Because I know there are times that we don’t have the same point of view and with that, I respect him.

4. You want him to meet your parents. If you do, then you’re serious. Because why are you going to introduce him to your parents if you’re serious? If you don’t think he’s the one? You know.. If girls want their boyfriends to meet their parents, that means they want their boyfriend to be their future husband.–

   I want DJ to meet my family. I love to share some stories about DJ to my mom and sister. I want him to meet my mom and dad and I want them to see how lucky I am to have DJ and I want to see how good my decision was.

5. You can imagine a future together.You’re serious and you know he’s the one if you imagine your future together. Why would you imagine a future together if you don’t want him to be your forever? Right?–

   We do imagine together. That’s the sweetest part of our relationship. When we imagine our future. Our dream house. Our future kids. Where to go. Our plans and dreams. That’s so sweet. I can’t help but smile. :’)

6. You’re not afraid to disagree with him. If you know it’s wrong then you have to disagree with him. and with that, that will show you care. That will show you love him and you don’t want anything that will be bad to them.–

   Uh.. Do I disagree with him? Yeah. But not most of the time ’cause there were lots of similarities on us. So, there are only times that I disagree with him but that’s so seldom.

7. You wanna work out your major differences. You have to know not only your similarities but also your major differences so that you can cope up and you know what to do if those differences try to intervene on your relationship.–

   I wanna and we wanna work out our major differences. Like him, he’s cheerful while me, I am a moody one. Something like that. But, we work on that so now, when I am having my mood swings, he know what to do. Not like others, when their girls have their mood swings, they’re also mad. They’re also having their mood swings. In Tagalog, sinasabayan pa nila yung mood nung isa. And we’re not like that.

8. You laugh together. Why are you laughing? Are you laughing because of sadness? Of course not, right? That’s stupid. Of course, you’re laughing because you’re happy. So, if he makes you happy, he’s the one.–

   We laugh a lot. We always laugh. Silly jokes and even the corniest one, we laugh. Because me, I do believe that laughter and smile are proofs of happiness. :’)

9. You are super attracted to him. Attraction to one another can make your relationship stronger. If attraction lessens, that’s the start when you are finding someone who is more attractive. But, if you are super attracted to him, even if he is not wearing fashionable clothes, still, there’s attraction.–

   Am I? Hahaha. Yeah. I am super attracted to him. Especially his voice. I love his voice. That voice whom I hear every night before going to bed. His voice who sings to me every night. :’)

10. It’s okay to be quiet around him. Just because you’re quiet, doesn’t mean you’re not talking. Sometimes, even you’re not talking, you’re just sitting. Holding each other’s hands, that’s more than talking.–

    I always do this thing with him. I am always quiet. I thought I was talkative but there were times that I would just shut my mouth and then he’ll tell me to speak. Hahaha. But, when I am quiet, I want him to feel that I love him even I am not speaking.

11. You feel like yourself around him. You know the song ‘I’m only me when I’m with you’ by Taylor Swift? Yeah. If you feel like you’re not hiding something when you’re with him, you’re showing the real you without shame, he’s the one.–

    Yea. I want him to see the real me. How jealous I am. How crazy I am. How bad I am. How arte I am. Because I know, he’ll accept me for who I am. :’)

12. You feel like he makes you a better person. If you feel this way, he’s the one. ‘Cause a right guy won’t and will never make you a bad person. If you think he makes you a better one, then he’s surely the one. He deserve you.–

    He does. Lately, I am an insecure lady and a jealous one. Now, I am still jealous and insecure BUT not like how I used to be. Now, I have a confidence. And he taught me how to say the word SORRY. Yes. I don’t know how to say Sorry lately. And now, I know how to say this and when to say this. He always cheers me up. I know he makes me a better person. :’)

Love is not just merely showing affection but also respect & trust. Love is not how beautiful you look but how beautiful your inner beauty is. Love is not about your similarities but working out your major differences. Love is not showing your strengths but showing your weaknesses and love is about accepting the person you love. Whatever and whoever he or she is. – Ina Carlos

Comparing Past with Present.

Hindi ba parang unfair yung ganun? Yung pagko-compare sa past mo at sa present. Though alam mo na mas better ang present. Bakit may mga bagay na hindi mo talaga maiwasang hindi i-compare sa iba kasi kapag may nangyayari na parang naranasan mo na sa past mo, feeling mo, yung result dun eh yung magiging result din sa present mo. Am I making any sense?

Yung example, ayaw sa’yo ng parents ng ex mo, tapos ayaw din ng parents ng present boyfriend mo sa’yo.. Tapos ang iniisip mo, gawin din sa’yo ng mom ng present mo yung ginawa sa’yo ng mom ng ex mo. Like saying some criticisms like ‘malandi‘ and such. Yung paghihigpitan ng bonggang bongga na ang nagagawa niyo na lang ay magtext.

Yung may babaeng best friend yung present boyfie mo. Tapos nagseselos ka dun. Sa ex mo naman, may kapatid-kapatid’an siyang babae na kahit na namamatay ka na sa selos e ayaw pa din tigilan ang pakikipagkasatan.

Yung mahal na mahal mo siya na buong puso mo, bigay bigay na naman. Tapos dahil sa alam na mahal na mahal ka, eh it-take for granted ka na. Na okay na kahit walang effort kasi alam naman na kahit wala siyang gawin eh hindi mo siya iiwan. (Oops. Hindi ko sinasabing tintake for granted ako ng present ko ha.)

Pero alam niyo yung nakakatuwa sa pagko-compare na ‘yan, napapangiti ako kapag kino-compare ko siya sa dati ko. Well, alam kong hindi fair yung pagko-compare pero ang hindi lang naman fair eh yung ganitong klase ng pagko-compare. “Buti pa si *insertnamehere*, pinapayagan ako sa gimik. Hindi mahigpit.” Ganun yung unfair na pagko-compare.

Nakakatuwa lang kasi kapag kino-compare ko si Ivan kay Ex, hindi ko maiwasang ngumiti kasi parang kapag ginagawa ko yung pagko-compare na ‘yan, feeling ko I MADE A RIGHT DECISION. GOD MADE THE RIGHT DECISION. Na yung lahat ng sakit na naramdaman ko sa past, nababawi ng present ko. Na alam ko, hindi niya gagawin sakin yung mga ginawa sa akin ng past ko. Na yung sakit pala dati, may magandang reward ngayon. Sobrang gandang reward.

Dati, hindi ko alam yung reason kung bakit nga ba talaga ako hinayaan ni God na masaktan dati. Kasi pala.. MALING TAO pala yung minahal ko. Nagpakatanga ako sa isang taong hindi deserve yung sacrifices at love ko. I am so glad and I’m enjoying on comparing past with present.

Respeto.

Sa english, respect. Sa tagalog, respeto. Pero, ano ba talaga ang salitang ‘respeto’? Kapag sinearch niyo sa google ang meaning ng respeto, eto ang lalabas.

“sa aking sariling pagkakaunawa sa kahulugan ng respeto ay ,ito ay isang uri ng pag-galang sa lahat ng bagay dito sa mundo,ito man ay mapa-tao,hayop,at mga bagay. ito ay ang paggalang sa lahat ng karapatan na malayang ipinag kaloob sa ating lahat ng may kapal.” (Credits to Answers.com)

Ano nga ba ang talaga ang respeto? ‘Yun ba yung takot ka sa isang tao kaya mo siya nirerespeto o yung nirerespeto mo siya kaya ka takot sa kanya? ‘Yun ba yung hindi mo pagsagot sa magulang mo o yung pagmmake face sa likod nila? ‘Yun bang takot ka sa teacher dahil kapag hindi mo sila nirespeto, ibabagsak ka nila o yung kahit na alam mong ipapasa ka o hindi, rerespetuhin mo pa din? ‘Yun ba yung ayaw ng girlfriend mong gawin ang isang bagay pero gusto mo, hahayaan mo na lang at rerespetuhin ang kagustuhan niya o pipilitin mo siya?

Kung iisipin natin, ang respeto ay kadikit ng salitang paggalang. Ang paggalang at respeto ay hindi lamang sa paggamit ng ‘po’ at ‘opo’. Hindi lamang sa pagmamano o kung anu-ano pa. I-discuss pa natin ng mas specific.

a. “Nay, punta po ako sa ganito-ganyan place.” Hindi ka pinayagan. Nagdabog ka. Nagalit ka. Nagmura ka.
b. “Nay, punta po ako sa ganito-ganyan place.” Hindi ka pinayagan. “Ah, okay po. Sige po.”

Saan yung may respeto at wala? Sa parents ‘yang scenario na ‘yan. Example lang. Respeto sa magulang. Hindi porket sinabing respeto eh gagamit ng ‘po’ at ‘opo’. Pagmasdan niyo ang mga statements sa itaas. Parehas naman silang gumamit ng ‘po’, ‘di ba? Pero sa reaction nila, nawala ang respeto ni a.

a. Bumagsak ka sa exam. “Tungunu naman si Ma’am! Hindi pa ako pinasa e o!”
b. Bumagsak ka sa exam. “Bawi nalang sa susunod. Hindi naman kasi ako nag-aral. Sorry, ma’am.”

Siguro, madalang natin ma-encounter yung  letter b. Pero yung iba kasi, alam nang hindi sila nag-aral, alam nang hindi sila papasa tapos ang makukuha pa ng mga teachers at professors nila ay ang mga malulutong nilang mura. Nasaan ang respeto dun?

a. “Babe, if you love me, prove it.” Ayaw ni girl. Pinagpilitan.
b. “Babe, I love you and if you have no intentions of doing it, I’m willing to wait.”

Nasaan ang respeto sa a? O.O Hindi mo naman minahal o ginirlfriend ‘yan para may pampainit ka. Hindi mo ginirlfriend ‘yan para matustusan ang kailangan mong init sa katawan. At kung nirerespeto mo siya, matuto kang maghintay ng tamang panahon.

RESPETO. Maikling salita na may malalim at malawak na kahulugan. Madaling sabihin na “Nirerespeto kita.” pero napakahirap ipakita. Sa panahon ngayon, kailangan natin ‘yan – ang pagrespeto sa bawat tao o kahit anong nilalang na nabubuhay sa mundo. Dahil ang iba, wala nang ibang maibibigay sa kapwa kundi iyan at ang iba’y wala nang ninanais matatanggap pa kundi respeto mula sa kanilang kapwa tao.

Most Heartbreaking Night.

Akala ko kapag mahal mo ang isang tao, sapat na ‘yun. Akala ko kapag mahal mo siya, mahal ka niya, okay na. Akala ko lang pala. Siguro sa iba, sobrang halaga yung mahal mo tapos mahal ka. Samin kasi, walang problema yung love. Kasi, we both know and we’re both sure na mahal namin ang isa’t isa. But, love isn’t enough.

I’ve experienced the most heartbreaking night ever. Never ko pang naranasan yung naramdaman ko kagabi. (Masyado ba akong EMO? Idc.) Grabe. Ang bigat bigat sa feeling. Sobraaaaaaa. First time kong magtext na nanginginig yung daliri ko. Tapos halos wala na akong mabasa dahil sa luha na nagco-cover sa eyes ko. Grabe. Akala ko wala na. Akala ko tapos na. Akala ko wala nang forever.

Oo. May tiwala ako sa kanya. May tiwala ako na kung maghihiwalay man kami, hindi siya hahanap ng iba. Pero, I just wanna be realistic. ‘Di ba? Dahil sa magiging absence ng communication, hindi malabong may pumalit. Ganun naman lagi eh. Minsan kasi may nagpapasayang iba tapos maffall. Nega ba? Hindi. Realistic lang.

Akala ko talaga kagabi tapos na. I respect my best friend’s comment. May point naman siya eh. Kasi yung ibang lalaki, puro lang pangako. Tapos ayun na. Napako na. Tsk tsk. Puro pangako, wala namang natutupad sa mga pangako nila. Pero, iba kasi si DJ. Kahit na saglit pa lang kaming whatever, alam ko na at may napatunayan na siya – na iba siya.

Sana lang hanggang sa huli, iba siya. Sana maging okay na yung lahat. Grabe. Iyak ako ng iyak kagabi. Well, iyakin ako. Alam niyo ‘yan. Akala ko din kahapon, unsure ako. Hindi pala. DJ over ***. He’s my choice. He’s the one I love. He’s the one I care about. He’s the love of my life. He’s gonna be my forever.

We’re gonna fulfill our plans. We’re gonna travel the whole world. We’re gonna be married. SANA. Kasi ngayon, hanggang SANA palang kami eh. Hanggang plano at pangarap. And I hope someday, I’ll forget that heartbreaking night and all the pain will be worth it.

Nasaan na si FOREVER?

Saan ka na pupunta forever? May nagawa ba ako/kaming masama? Nasaan ka na?

 

“Don’t worry. We just need time. Wag na wag mo isipin na magmamahal ako ng iba. Ung mga plano natin gagawin padin natin. Napakasakit din nito para saakin. Pero eto na lang naiisip ko na tamang gawin. Kesa lumaban kaagad tayo ngayon tapos bandang hule, Wala din.. May oras din tayo. Okay? Tandaan mo na Mahal na mahal kita.. Kung iniisip mo na niloloko lang kita. Nasasayo na yon. Basta ako. Totoo ako sa mga nararamdaman ko sayo. Ginawa ko lang to para satin. Hindi para ipag palit ka. I Love you :(“

 

Hindi ko na din alam kung ano yung ire-reply ko sa kanya. Hindi ko alam pero ang pangit talaga ng aura ng araw na ‘to. Na-sense ko lang. Pero nung gumising ako kanina, okay naman ih. Happy pa nga ako kasi tumawag siya at dahil sa tawag niya na ‘yun, kahit kagigising ko lang, masaya na ako. Pero nung 8 am onwards na.. Hindi ko na alam pero parang ang bigat ng ambiance. Parang may something ngayon. Tama nga yung Horoscope ko kahapon na magiging masaya daw yung love life ko kahapon. At oo. Sobrang masaya ang love life ko kahapon. Pero sobrang kabaligtaran naman nung ngayon. Putsha.

Nung lunch, nakita ko si Rex. Sobrang na-excite ako eh kakakita lang naman namin nung Sabado. Dun na ako nag-start magtanong sa mga kaibigan ko.. “Bhebhe, paano kung may mahal ka ngayon? Tapos yung dati mong mahal parang pakita motibo. Ano gagawin mo?” Tapos sabi nila, hindi daw ako magmamahal kung mahal ko pa yung dati kong mahal. Kasi kapag nagmahal daw ako tapos mahal ko pa yung dati kong mahal, parang panakip butas lang daw yung mahal ko ngayon. (Puro mahal? Wala bang mura? Oops. Korni ha.) Edi nagkaron ng emphasis yung sagot ko. Sabi ko, “Hindi a! Mahal ko kaya si DJ!” Kahit na pinagsisiksikan ko na mahal ko si DJ, naiisip ko pa din yung sinasabi nila Rose Ann. Kaya nagtext ako kay DJ.

 

Ako: Beb.. Tandaan mo ha. Mahal na mahal kita. :):

Siya: Eh bakit may sad face? Nahihirapan ka na?

A: Basta beb ha. I love you, okay?

S: Err! Eh bakit ganyan? Parang may mali! Hirap ka nb?

A: Hindi po. I just want to remind you NA KAHIT NA ANONG MANGYARI.. Ikaw lang po mahal ko. Okay?

S: Ehh! Ano ba problema?

A: Wala po. Mahal na mahal po kita.

 

Mahaba pa yung text’an namin eh. Hindi ko sinabi sakanya yung kay Rex pero mababasa niya din naman ‘to kaya malalaman niya din. Pero, may point si Rose Ann eh. Kaya ako nagkakaganto. Kasi naka-move on na talaga ako kay Rex. Kaya lang ako naguguluhan is because.. Parang nagiging sweet si Rex AS KAIBIGAN na binibigyan ko lang ng meaning. Tama nga naman. Pero ang sure ko, MAHAL KO SI DJ.

Ako kasi yung taong mabilis ma-fall. Hindi ako yung taong isang taon bago ko magmahal. Mabilis talaga ako ma-in love. Kaya mabilis din masaktan. Kasi, once na minahal na kita, tapos makikita kong mahal mo din ako, todo todo na. Bigay kung bigay. Kaya nga masyado akong EMO kapag nasaktan ih. Kasi nga, bigay ako ng bigay na wala nang natitira para sa akin.

Ngayon.. Nalaman nung parents niya na nag-sine kami kahapon kaya ayun. Kukunin daw ang cellphone niya. Wala akong magagawa. Hindi ko nga alam kung kami na eh. Anong laban ko? Buti sana kung asawa ako. Eh hindi eh. Parents ‘yun. Ang hirap lumaban kasi wala pa kaming mapagmamalaking dalawa. Parehas pa kaming nakadepende sa mga magulang namin.

Hindi sana ako bibitaw kaso nga ang sakit sakit na. Alam mo yung wala naman silang alam tungkol sakin. Oo, alam nila pangalan ko. Kilala nila ako sa physical ko. Pero, putsha. Wala silang alam sakin. Hindi nila alam yung pinagdaanan ko. 😥 Ayan na. Naiiyak na ako. Nangyari na kasi ‘to eh. Pagkakaiba lang, yung sa ex ko, laban kami kung laban. Ngayon, hindi namin kaya. May point naman kasi si DJ. Saka ayoko na din dumating yung point na kausapin na ako ng personal ng parents niya at sabihan ng mga words na narinig ko sa nanay ng ex ko such as “Malandi.” Sarap pakinggan ‘no. “Layuan mo na anak ko. Ang landi landi mo.” Yeah. I’ve heard that from my ex-boyfriend’s mom.

Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko na alam kung magagawa pa din ba namin yung mga plans namin. Si Athena Dennisse. Ano na nangyari kay Baby? Sa dreamhouse? Mabubuo ka pa ba? Yung world tour natin? Yung London trip? Mapupuntahan ka pa kaya namin? Naiiyak na ako. Shete naman oo. :’) Yung TOGETHER FOREVER? Kelan mangyayari? Nasaan ka na ba, forever? 😥

A messy day.

smile can’t hide all the pain inside.

As the caption says, a smile can’t hide the pain inside. Look at my eyes. People say that the eyes are the windows of the soul. Now, tell me. What can you see? Do you see happiness? Do you see pain? Do you see sufferings and heartaches? No one can tell me the real answer ’cause only me can tell my feelings. Maybe you can feel it because of my actions.

I tried my very best to smile on the picture but my eyes are so rebel that it decided to be teary. Why am I teary? Well. I have lots of reasons. First, I didn’t stand for what I started. Yes. I’m talking about my course. Sh’t. I entered Accountancy and now, I’m giving it up. But, hopefully, I’ll do better in Engineering. Hopefully. Next, the judgment I received. Kuya Ralph, well.. He’s a former friend. I used to be her friend when we were on Elementary. I had a misunderstanding with him last time. We were throwing some silly jokes and I didn’t expect that he’ll accept it personally. And, my classmate told me that Kuya Ralph is so angry to one of our classmates. We don’t know whom Kuya Ralph was talking about. Myel also told us that she saw how Kuya Ralph acts when he was talking about the girl.

“Feeling maganda. Arte arte naman. Landi landi.“

I don’t know whom he was pertaining to and now, lately this afternoon, I knew that it was me. I was like, “Why me?” What have I done to him to tell me those things? He knows my name. Not my story. Not what I’ve been through. He shouldn’t judge me. Maarte? Me? Maybe. In the way I dress, the way I look but malandi? Dafvck? He knows nothing! I’m not a b’tch. I’m crying while typing. I can’t do anything but to cry. I’m so fragile. I’m weak.

And lately this evening.. I was texting with Tina. She was DJ’s friend and an ex-girlfriend. Well, we were talking about some girl and then she told me to join them (Raphael and her) on a date. I told her, “Haha! Osige. Walang problema sakin. Ke Ivan, meron. 🙂” then she asked me why. I answered, “Eh dalaga ‘yun. Madalang payagan.” She answered, “Pagpaalam ko.” Then I agreed. I replied, “Sige. Bahala kayo.” “Hahaha. Mabait naman mader nun sunduin ko sa bahay. For you.” She added. Then, I bitterly answered, “Sa’yo mabait.” Then that was the start of my coldness. I lost my good mood. It’s like someone’s reminding me, “Hey, his mom and dad doesn’t like you. Envy her. His mom is kind on her.” Sheez. This is unfair to Tina. I’m not admitting this kind of thing to her. Tina asked, “Sa’yo ba? Tss. Sino ba me ayaw sayo? Papa or mama niya?” Then, again, I bitterly answered, “Both.”

Then, I sent them a group message. Okay. I indicated there my feelings. Well. I really don’t know what my feelings are. I’m jealous. I’m angry. I’m depressed. I feel so unloved. I hate this feeling. I don’t know what to do. This has been a messy day.